this is more for me than anything, i have somewhat of a belief if i wrote this shit down in a place like this where people seem to give a shit it might do me good. i dont know man, im not exactly a massive fan of these large vent posts because i feel its not exactly what people want to see from me as someone thats looked upon for comedic benefit and authority to be so so fucking broken like this
this whole thing is gonna be extremely messy
saying shits been rough is a bit of an understatement. this past 1-2 weeks have been, eventful. i really want to say they've been great. i've reunited with a friend i thought was lost to fucking time due to her personal circumstances and i've took initiative for the first time to ever leave the house. and that was all really big for me. but if you've been around the block this month thus far. you've read the title and you know exactly where this is going.
i dont feel i have to justify why i cared so much for someone i've never seen in flesh. to you its gossip, a conversation piece when i walk into the place or even think of me, a thing you wonder about in passing. to me it was so much fucking different. i've always told her this that she set my standards too high, and im feeling that more than ever. its really not everyday someone that almost perfectly aligns to you comes along and that actually takes interest in you. i sat here even when she wasn't around not even feeling insecure or worried about her thoughts on me because i was confident that she actually did love me and couldn't think any different. im still told she doesn't and part of me believes that. but part of me fucking hurts.
i was honestly accepting the reality of it, until i've realised how much of a pedestal i put her on and how much i felt like i actually gave a shit about her. i mean just look at my plot alone theres like 3 different ren statues, an unfinished build of hers i chucked in a snowglobe, underground ruins with our faces on. inside a lyicx statue was a heart in reference to the GTA 4 Heart of liberty easter egg which was broken but then after jumping around with ren we fixed it up. on my fucking media server and my fish configs i've got an oath to ren as my greeting (you can help me strip this one if you want). in Black Ops 3 (Steam) on my ICR rifle i had a paint job with ren in a fucking love heart, G4 branding had a ren section in a flag and an emblem i was working on (luckily i aint too happy with how it came out anyway but its still a pain to see) and now i've just realised that my alt on GTA owns a yacht dubbed "SS. Renno" and i've replaced a few strings in reference to her. this is all shit i've picked up on thus far and i wont be shocked if i find anymore that im just not aware of that will catch me off guard and fucking send my ass relapsing. whats worse is that currently i dont really have the strength to tear it down myself
i was genuinely fucking feeling somewhat fine till i've come to this realization. like how often do you find a person who has so much common ground and literally adores you. i wont go into anymore details on the common front because shockingly enough for my ass im not in the mood to get into that sort of shit. i felt she was perfect and i lost her to factors i could never really help i feel. i have to live with the fact that every day, that person who i found so much comfort in and didn't make me feel alone and gave me stability when i needed it most will never speak to me again. no catching up within a few years, no friends with benefits bullshit, no type of shit where i'd still see her around in places im in. gone like, gone gone. she might aswell be considered dead she's that gone.
grievance is, a strange rollercoaster of emotions. its not the first time i've been left, not even the first time i've been cut off either. but it still hurts just as much but i dont know what hurts more. that for the first time in about 5 or so years im actually truly alone or the fact that i've feel i've lost the golden goose of humanity in this dogshit world. i already seen the responses of there "being other fish in the sea" but i've met a fuck ton of people. maybe not as many in person nowadays but no one has really stacked up to what ren was and meant. the same person who even when i had nothing to do with them, she sent me a massive fucking paragraph about why she was gone and she didn't need to, she had my ass calming down after i became quite fucking unhinged towards someone, i felt she actually had my best interests at heart in general and did try her best.
i dont want to blame ren at all. i will say how the ball dropped it really fucking hurt me especially for someone i thought and still do think highly of but its just the nature of that sort of game. humans aint exactly wired to have romantic attractions across screens. they're more wired to inquire more about the details of a romantic attraction and how its going like honestly, is there not much more to ask about me than when am i going to see her? because im likely to actually mention when i have confirmed plans to anyway. it failed because of distance, and expectations set by her that she was clingy going into this but i cant hardly blame her that much.
i dont think i ever wrote much publically about praising another person. but i'm sure you're thoughts are with me and you're typing that "i'm here for you" and "you should really work on yourself". to those being here for me, i know that. i just can rarely feel i can speak directly to people that im not, yk really fucking close with and given thats a fairly common response you might aswell all read it here. i might not sound like i appriciate it but i do, its just a difficult thing to do directly imo
as for me working on myself. thats sort of what i've been doing. i mentioned previously i managed to leave the house more and im trying to make that more of a pattern. trying to gain some actual fucking control in my life, get some closure. but realistically, im a fucking piece of work. ask anyone that has ever been close to me or have seen me lash the fuck out. i dont like myself and i dont understand why im this "Oh so fucking untouchable" figure here like im holier than god. there's probably a reason why the only people i feel i have close enough are in G4 and that might unironically be down to the lack of "baggage" i drop on G4 compared to everyone else i have been close with. no one wants to realistically read that shit, no one wants to realistically read this shit. you can butter me up and say you want to hear it but realistically you'd rather me be posting fuckin lyicx corp 3 or lets cure cancer for the third fucking time, and thats just human fucking nature. people want optimism, fun shit. not a fuckin high up staff member well known for being a funny punching haha bag talking about his grievances, losing his fucking shit at a keyboard at around 5:30 in the morning.
i should really convince myself to shut the fuck up because aint no way im getting actual help for this shit. i've been here before and this is what i always did years ago. no one batted an eye or really gave a shit or knew what they were talking about. but somehow i convinced myself this might be good for me. it wont change nothing, everything wont be magically healed and all will be well. ill still look down on myself for all the wrong i've done to people and i haven't exactly achieved anything by telling people what they could probably gather and pass off as a fucking phase that i'll eventually outgrow. i'm on my own to deal with this shit and that should have been obvious from the begining. and apart from the hope that i might feel better and help people understand the state of myself right now. i really dont know why i did this. i could spiral on about this and almost did but i had to cut some of it out because i was going off rail
ill try to not make it a downer ending. i aint going anywhere. i dont need a break from this place as i can easily stay away from it if i really want to and i mean that (dunno if it was obvious but i do have shit outside of TF). im not gonna go batshit crazy either in destructive terms because that helps no one and is pointless. do i have anything else to lighten the mood for those who've bothered to read my past few hours of irratic typing? i mean, i feel i've got a clearer head now if thats any remote consultation. oh yeah i almost lost all this typing because the forum killed itself which was quite lovely. thank god this shit had drafts but also not because well. you have to read this shit. but i think it was gonna happen, sooner or later. i guess i tried to convey quite a bit of my issue but still dont think i hit the mark. either way idrc gonna edit it a bit to seem less like a prick then sleep