• this is more for me than anything, i have somewhat of a belief if i wrote this shit down in a place like this where people seem to give a shit it might do me good. i dont know man, im not exactly a massive fan of these large vent posts because i feel its not exactly what people want to see from me as someone thats looked upon for comedic benefit and authority to be so so fucking broken like this

    this whole thing is gonna be extremely messy

    saying shits been rough is a bit of an understatement. this past 1-2 weeks have been, eventful. i really want to say they've been great. i've reunited with a friend i thought was lost to fucking time due to her personal circumstances and i've took initiative for the first time to ever leave the house. and that was all really big for me. but if you've been around the block this month thus far. you've read the title and you know exactly where this is going.

    i dont feel i have to justify why i cared so much for someone i've never seen in flesh. to you its gossip, a conversation piece when i walk into the place or even think of me, a thing you wonder about in passing. to me it was so much fucking different. i've always told her this that she set my standards too high, and im feeling that more than ever. its really not everyday someone that almost perfectly aligns to you comes along and that actually takes interest in you. i sat here even when she wasn't around not even feeling insecure or worried about her thoughts on me because i was confident that she actually did love me and couldn't think any different. im still told she doesn't and part of me believes that. but part of me fucking hurts.

    i was honestly accepting the reality of it, until i've realised how much of a pedestal i put her on and how much i felt like i actually gave a shit about her. i mean just look at my plot alone theres like 3 different ren statues, an unfinished build of hers i chucked in a snowglobe, underground ruins with our faces on. inside a lyicx statue was a heart in reference to the GTA 4 Heart of liberty easter egg which was broken but then after jumping around with ren we fixed it up. on my fucking media server and my fish configs i've got an oath to ren as my greeting (you can help me strip this one if you want). in Black Ops 3 (Steam) on my ICR rifle i had a paint job with ren in a fucking love heart, G4 branding had a ren section in a flag and an emblem i was working on (luckily i aint too happy with how it came out anyway but its still a pain to see) and now i've just realised that my alt on GTA owns a yacht dubbed "SS. Renno" and i've replaced a few strings in reference to her. this is all shit i've picked up on thus far and i wont be shocked if i find anymore that im just not aware of that will catch me off guard and fucking send my ass relapsing. whats worse is that currently i dont really have the strength to tear it down myself

    i was genuinely fucking feeling somewhat fine till i've come to this realization. like how often do you find a person who has so much common ground and literally adores you. i wont go into anymore details on the common front because shockingly enough for my ass im not in the mood to get into that sort of shit. i felt she was perfect and i lost her to factors i could never really help i feel. i have to live with the fact that every day, that person who i found so much comfort in and didn't make me feel alone and gave me stability when i needed it most will never speak to me again. no catching up within a few years, no friends with benefits bullshit, no type of shit where i'd still see her around in places im in. gone like, gone gone. she might aswell be considered dead she's that gone.

    grievance is, a strange rollercoaster of emotions. its not the first time i've been left, not even the first time i've been cut off either. but it still hurts just as much but i dont know what hurts more. that for the first time in about 5 or so years im actually truly alone or the fact that i've feel i've lost the golden goose of humanity in this dogshit world. i already seen the responses of there "being other fish in the sea" but i've met a fuck ton of people. maybe not as many in person nowadays but no one has really stacked up to what ren was and meant. the same person who even when i had nothing to do with them, she sent me a massive fucking paragraph about why she was gone and she didn't need to, she had my ass calming down after i became quite fucking unhinged towards someone, i felt she actually had my best interests at heart in general and did try her best.

    i dont want to blame ren at all. i will say how the ball dropped it really fucking hurt me especially for someone i thought and still do think highly of but its just the nature of that sort of game. humans aint exactly wired to have romantic attractions across screens. they're more wired to inquire more about the details of a romantic attraction and how its going like honestly, is there not much more to ask about me than when am i going to see her? because im likely to actually mention when i have confirmed plans to anyway. it failed because of distance, and expectations set by her that she was clingy going into this but i cant hardly blame her that much.

    i dont think i ever wrote much publically about praising another person. but i'm sure you're thoughts are with me and you're typing that "i'm here for you" and "you should really work on yourself". to those being here for me, i know that. i just can rarely feel i can speak directly to people that im not, yk really fucking close with and given thats a fairly common response you might aswell all read it here. i might not sound like i appriciate it but i do, its just a difficult thing to do directly imo

    as for me working on myself. thats sort of what i've been doing. i mentioned previously i managed to leave the house more and im trying to make that more of a pattern. trying to gain some actual fucking control in my life, get some closure. but realistically, im a fucking piece of work. ask anyone that has ever been close to me or have seen me lash the fuck out. i dont like myself and i dont understand why im this "Oh so fucking untouchable" figure here like im holier than god. there's probably a reason why the only people i feel i have close enough are in G4 and that might unironically be down to the lack of "baggage" i drop on G4 compared to everyone else i have been close with. no one wants to realistically read that shit, no one wants to realistically read this shit. you can butter me up and say you want to hear it but realistically you'd rather me be posting fuckin lyicx corp 3 or lets cure cancer for the third fucking time, and thats just human fucking nature. people want optimism, fun shit. not a fuckin high up staff member well known for being a funny punching haha bag talking about his grievances, losing his fucking shit at a keyboard at around 5:30 in the morning.

    i should really convince myself to shut the fuck up because aint no way im getting actual help for this shit. i've been here before and this is what i always did years ago. no one batted an eye or really gave a shit or knew what they were talking about. but somehow i convinced myself this might be good for me. it wont change nothing, everything wont be magically healed and all will be well. ill still look down on myself for all the wrong i've done to people and i haven't exactly achieved anything by telling people what they could probably gather and pass off as a fucking phase that i'll eventually outgrow. i'm on my own to deal with this shit and that should have been obvious from the begining. and apart from the hope that i might feel better and help people understand the state of myself right now. i really dont know why i did this. i could spiral on about this and almost did but i had to cut some of it out because i was going off rail

    ill try to not make it a downer ending. i aint going anywhere. i dont need a break from this place as i can easily stay away from it if i really want to and i mean that (dunno if it was obvious but i do have shit outside of TF). im not gonna go batshit crazy either in destructive terms because that helps no one and is pointless. do i have anything else to lighten the mood for those who've bothered to read my past few hours of irratic typing? i mean, i feel i've got a clearer head now if thats any remote consultation. oh yeah i almost lost all this typing because the forum killed itself which was quite lovely. thank god this shit had drafts but also not because well. you have to read this shit. but i think it was gonna happen, sooner or later. i guess i tried to convey quite a bit of my issue but still dont think i hit the mark. either way idrc gonna edit it a bit to seem less like a prick then sleep

    assrix, assryx, asterisk, *

    awesomeist tf blokey

  • i wont say that i know exactly what you are going through, because everyone's circumstances are different. but i do know the feeling of losing someone that at one point, i truly loved. the feeling of overwhelming anxiety, the thoughts in your head that never seem to stop, the feeling of hopelessness and the pain at seeing the memories you shared with that person. the truth is there are no words i can use to actually and truthfully describe the feeling that I have gone through, and that I think you are going through - it just really fucking sucks.

    another thing i should mention is that there are no solutions. you can do the stuff people tell you to, like go outside, exercise, eat better etc, but these will not have the impact that you want. the truth is all of these things are designed to make you feel better as an independent individual, but the real problem is that for so long you have been used to being a couple, not an individual.

    but the thing is, this feeling will pass. one day you will wake up and realise that you no longer care about this stuff, and you will go back to being the person you, and we, know that you are. it might not be soon, but i promise that this day will come. until that day comes, you should grieve in whichever way you think will benefit you the most. and if you can, why not do some of the generic bullshit people say will make you feel better - it does have a positive impact, be it a minimal one.

    just wait for that day to come, because its gonna come sooner than you think. and when it does come, you will look at this period as a journey rather than a setback.

  • we are proud of you lyicx, i think you know it yourself that it is all really a matter of time. you had a life before this, you will have a life after it, it's just going to take time to get back on your feet again but i know you will get there.
    it's a whole healing process, even removing something that reminds you of your relationship is huge and that takes a lot of strength, so you should feel proud of yourself, even if it's something tiny, it's not easy.
    and similar to what red said, when you look back at this even in a months time, you'll realise that this journey you are going through right know will be an experience that will benefit you as a person, even if it is so hard at the moment.
    i hope you are okay, and my dms are always open, never feel like you are burden

  • Life is a series of ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can really fuck with you.

    I feel like I don't have a right to speak on this, considering I've attempted suicide before, but please do try and hold on even if things suck right now. Grief is the culmination of all things unfortunately, but when you push past that you ultimately arise as a stronger person.

    And don't think for a second you're alone. There's always a vc channel in the discord server, which might serve to provide a more face to face conversation than just text on a screen. I'll try to join the channel if you're ever willing to and we can just talk. I really like having you around, and I'm sure everyone else feels the same way.

    From deepest fathoms yadda yadda tl;dr you're going to be okay, it's just a matter of time.


  • i've read the posts, im just currently extremely tired to respond to them in any sort of depth. but i thought i'd just let you all know i've made another step in cleaning ren off



    i didn't get round to it immediately given i've been playing with a new client for this game (which is actually sick, might donate) but whilst i was here i figured i'd pull this needle out whilst im still here.

    the downside now is that i've also realised we shared an island in skyblock. so thats going to be a fun hurdle that'll strike me if i ever touch it. i already know the hardest to get rid off still will be the statues on the plot because there was so much detail into the one made by hyly and it was just happy. it hurts to get rid of something that grand and not seeing it again

    assrix, assryx, asterisk, *

    awesomeist tf blokey